THIS IS NOT SATIRE!

Wow, I can't believe it. I checked my earnings page and apparently I earned OWE Newsvine $379.45. Bastards!

And so many of you complain about small POSITIVE amounts. Whiners!

Despite my requests for a payment plan, Newsvine has made it clear that unless they receive a prompt payment-in-full, my account will be closed. Apparently the cost of the wasted bandwidth associated with my column is pissing them off.

How did this happen?

October at Newsvine was great and November seemed to be humming along. Until Newsvine launched the IGNORE AUTHOR" Feature , and everyone ignored me. As was widely reported>, I was found naked, sitting in my own vomit outside Newsvine HQ.

Apparently Calvin wasn't impressed.

Then I launched the Hot-Guys Tag. (I'm not gay, not that there is anything wrong with it - I thought everyone loved Dave Hasselhoff).

With readership still sliding, I resorted to posting porn .... basically naked Santa pictures. I won't post a link as it's not pretty. At this point I received my 1st warning from Newsvine about wasting bandwidth. I should have paid more attention to their email - instead of labeling it as spam.

Things went from bad to worse, as I posted a thrilling read on China outlawing Lesbianism to combat the surplus of unmarried males. Unfortunately many didn't realize that it was only hypothetical. Another warning.

I am afraid that I may not be able to afford the December charge that Calvin has assured me will also be negative so I may have to leave Newsvine.

Yes, I am hoping an "I'm leaving" article will help turn things around . I will post it after my first in a series not-to-be-missed "All Liberals and Most Conservatives are Stoopid" rant (assuming Calvin agrees the draft I sent him)